The Gaffer an’ the Minis


Aw, well, it’s like it had to be
Sooner or later;
Things is eether gerrin’ bigger or smaller,
Shorter or taller,
Crookeder or straighter.
Yis, yis, right up to eternity.
A fella is eether reachin’ out
To grab the moon,
Or else he’s pokin’ away
Lek a pig with his snout,
Or a racoon
Into a worl’ as small as small
Where ye’d think there’d be nawthin’ at all,
But he’ll fin’ it, day after day
Peekin’ an’ pryin’ an’ always in hope
There’ll be somethin’ new under his telescope.

Now I’m thinkin’ it’s all right for a bug
Or a microbe, or a germ.
To be in somethin’ small to be snug,
Lek a snail in its shell,
Or a grub in its cell;
But goy heng, it bates all when a man has to fit
In a thing so small that he’s part of it;
Lek a han’ in a glove, or a foot in a shoe,
Or a pie in a dish, or a peg in a hole,
Crawlin’ in an’ crawlin’ out like a worm,
An’ bein’ shot off in a thing in the blue,
Jus’ like a sausage in a sausage roll.

Come to the p’int? Is that what thou’re saying?
I’ll come to the p’int all right
If I keep ye here all night.
Don’t be in such a turrble hurry, man.
What driss is there on ye? Have patience.
I’m goin’ as quick as I can.
But now ye’ve got me strayin’
Away from the yarn I’m tryin’ to tell—
Houl’ on, houl’ on, it’s comin’ back,
An’ soon I’ll be on the proper tack
If thou don’t interrup’ with thy conversations.
Now, where was I? Aw, yis. Well, well,
I know a young fella-me-lad who axed me to go
For a trip in his tin-lizzie.
A trip? Ay, trip dhallure, an’ no mistake.
I tripped on the step an’ fell over the brake,
An’ jammed meself atween the steerin’ wheel
An’ the gear lever. I was took all dizzy.
But when I was settled in me seat
I didn’t know where to put me feet;
Me knees were stickin’ up me nose,
The floore was bendin’ up me toes,
There was somethin’ rubbin’ against me heel,
An’ me whole body was bent like a clew of gorse
It made me that cross!

A Mini, he called it; but can ye wonder
I had another name till that for yonder?
A Mini, indeed; aw a Mini indeed;
Ignominy it is, ignominy’s the word I need.
Man, man, after we’d gone roun’
The islan’ an’ I came to get out
I jus’ couldn’ help it, I give a big shout
The minute me feet touched the groun’,
For I couldn’ walk straight, I was bent like a bow,
An’ me back was jus cruel – achin’, ye know,
An’ when I should have been lookin’ straight ahead
Me eyes was fixed on the pavement instead!

An’ that’s how I’d be to this very day
All twisted up like a question mark
Unless there hadn’t jus’ come my way
Somethin’ that didn’t come out of the Ark.
I jus’ happened to see a young woman go pas’
An’ foun’ I could lif’ me head aisy at las’,
In fac’ it come up mighty fas’
Surveyin’ the scene,
If ye know what I mean.
An’ I suddenly forgot all the achin’ an’ pain
An’ I felt like a stugga at school again.
For the beautiful shape that passed me by,
Though it didn’t quite look like an angel from high,
Was a vision so graceful an’ slender
It made me eager me heart to surrender;
I felt like June instead of December.

Aw, yis, mighty fine, mighty pretty,
I could have danced and sung a ditty;
She had somethin’ on, it wasn’t a pinny—
A kin’ of a flounce an’ a bit of a frill—
What’s that ye say? Coorse I’m young enough still
To stan’ an’ admire a gal in a Mini!